He still runs to me.
My boy is 10 years
old now but everyday after school my boy still runs to me. As I pull up to the street in my car I turn
the corner hoping there is a spot still open so I have a perfect view of my boy running; as
some days when it is raining or I am late, there are few left.
He Still runs to me.
On bright sunny days the bell rings and the
students stream out like ants, some carrying heavy packs or band instruments while others don’t
even have a coat. Some students seem to
drag their feet as the weight of the day is just too heavy to bear. Girls may SkIp, others jump on a bike or a
bus.
But my boy runs.
He heaves the door
open and his feet launch into action; I can almost hear the bionic man’s sound effects in the background as he starts his race.
My boy is FAST
He quickly weaves through the slower students
and some will try to speed up trying to keep up with his pace but soon give
up. His hair is long and bOuNcEs along
with his gazelle like steps and all along he smiles.
He SmileS.
Which is my favorite
part; I often wonder if the wind is filling his large wonderful cheeks as he
runs; inflating his smile like a balloon. This boy does not smile often and I know
that the reason he is smiling is only because he is running from school but I
don’t care, he is smiling and that is something.
My boy runs.
When he gets closer
to the car his smile gets W I D E R and he begins to wave. If his older brother is in the car he’ll say he is
a dork but I’ll say he is wonderful, he is 10 and not everything is stupid
yet. (Thank God!)
My boy runs to me;
and I relish everyday that he does.
My Boy...Cole
I need help with the first two paragraphs the most they seem to be the largest part chunk of they story while the rest has short pieces. (should I cut something out?) I am also trying to keep to the same verb tense and I am not sure if i did so entirely. There are times when I think it is more of a reflection but then it switches to more of a present tense. Does it make sense or do i need to change it? Thanks for your help!
Mara, I loved reading this and feeling the emotion in your relationship with your son. I especially liked the repetition of the main phrase, since every single time it carries a slightly different meaning. Beautiful!
ReplyDeleteIn terms of what you wanted feedback on, I almost feel like the whole thing should be in present tense, to create the sense of immediacy. But that's just my opinion. Also, with the first two body paragraphs, maybe you could make them more anecdotal? Tell a story of a specific afternoon and then connect that experience to the more general ones?
Oh, I wanted to cry reading this! I also loved the repetition of the key phrase and the italic type for the word "runs." I think you should continue that throughout the poem, especially on that last line! Also, on that last line, I think it would be more powerful if you use a comma instead of a semi-colon.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line is "the bell rings and the students stream out like ants, some carrying heavy packs or band instruments while others don’t even have a coat." I think the present verb tense is used effectively throughout and I wouldn't change it! Beautiful!
I loved this! As far as what you want help on... I think you could cut out "as some days when it is raining or I am late, there are few left." I like the tense as is and it makes sense to me. I love that you included a picture of your son-it would be really neat to hold onto this and add some significant ages and milestones as he gets older. Just a thought!
ReplyDeleteI loved this! As far as what you want help on... I think you could cut out "as some days when it is raining or I am late, there are few left." I like the tense as is and it makes sense to me. I love that you included a picture of your son-it would be really neat to hold onto this and add some significant ages and milestones as he gets older. Just a thought!
ReplyDelete