After spending a few weeks dealing with my 13 year old and his BIG TOE I finally had to take him to doctor today and spend 2 hours there. FUN. here is my poem about this entire ordeal. Sorry! i like the beginning more than the end. Perhaps you could help make them match up more:)
Slicing dicing Ben's Big Toe.
No Matter how I warned him he always knows.
Weeks later Ben's Big Big Toe aching, red and throbbing, tender to the touch.
I howl, "I told you!"
More weeks go by, soaking Ben's Big Toe, crying, and sulking.
"Help me!" Ben wails.
Ben's Big Toe has its own heart beat now
and new shades of red and purple.
I inspect Ben's Big Toe and whisper "It may be time for us to remove Big Toe."
Ben's eyes mushroom to twice their size, maybe we should see the doctor first.
The Doctor explains to Ben that he must remove part of the nail but this will stop Big Toe from hurting
and it will stop the heartbeat.?
Ben agrees.
Two needles to deaden Big Toe.
Scissors and tweezers to take the nail off.?
Blood begins to poor out of Big Toe.
Ben thinks it is cool.
Big Toe's heartbeat ceases.
Big Toe gets wrapped, wrapped and wrapped.
Big Toe will take some time to heal but will be happy again.
Mara--first of all, motherhood seems hard (that was my primary take-away from this piece...I am impressed by your ability to deal with gushing blood). However, I love the tone of this poem and the way you made the toe its own character in the story of Ben's woes. I also really like that you used dialogue in your poem because that is something I always struggle with.
ReplyDeleteYou said you like the beginning better than the end--I like the end, but I guess you could think about the way you start the lines of the poem towards the end (a lot of them begin with "Ben"). I also feel like the idea of the toe's "heartbeat" is a really cool motif in your poem. Maybe you could connect it all the way through, from beginning to end?
Sorry about this entire fiasco, but at least it gave you good material!
Oh big toe... Like Alison said I like that you made Big Toe a character. At the beginning Big Toe was not a character but then he kind of morphs into one, is that intentional? I like Alison's idea as well about including heartbeat throughout- maybe you could mention the heartbeat your felt when he hurt his toe and you said I told you so! (because we always tell them so and still they don't listen! lol) Also the part about removing the nail... hard to give it some nice poetry language but maybe you could you keep the same pattern as above such as "tweezer and scissors pinch and slice..." and then something about how the nail comes off? Ben kind of gets lost at the end and it's all about big toe... could you add something about how the two of them will live to fight another day... maybe you could add how he hurt it in the first place?
ReplyDeleteHopefully he heals soon! Thanks for sharing this poem with us!
The personification of his toe is really effective, ha! What if you maintain it throughout the poem? You can still use the cool language you have at the beginning ("has its own heartbeat, slicing/dicing, his eyes mushroom"), but could you tell it more from the perspective of the toe? The ending reads almost like a children's book in third person. I think consistency between the beginning and end P.O.V. would make it feel cohesive. I love the dramatization of this event! I laughed out loud.
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